This is my all time favorite mass/adoration song. My heart instantly goes in to the most vulnerable place and that's when I just give everything to Jesus.
I've been to adoration/XLT more times than I can count. Ever since I barley knew what it was. My sister played guitar in the band and my parents were the ones putting it on for Lifeteen. So when I was six years old I was very used to sitting still in the dark church staring at the pretty, gold, fancy contraption that held Jesus. I was used to people crying and holding their hands up even though I didn't know why they were. I just sat and listened to my sister playing guitar. That's all I knew, I didn't know any different.
The most recent adoration I went to was last Thursday at Sacred Heart Catholic Church. I was sitting down and when I go to adoration I bring a journal and if I feel God tugging at my heart I write whats on my mind. (Thats the way I get my feelings out is through writing stories, books, songs, and poems, and blogs like this one. ) I was sitting there and not once did i pick up my journal which was weird because I always do but for some reason I just stayed kneeling even though some stood, sat, and laid on the floor.
If you've never been to Sacred Heart, above the alter is a gigantic crucifix. The lights were dimmed and in the position I was kneeling at you could see the monstrance but behind the monstrance was the shadow of the crucifix. I saw Jesus's hands and feet and his body. It was then I truly believed and had no doubt that Jesus was there, before my eyes, right there listening to whatever I had to say. I could ask him things, tell him things even if it was as simple as how my day was. I could talk to him but most importantly He could talk to me.
It was beautiful and something I wish I could have experienced sooner. But God always sets things to happen when he wants them to happen. That moment, God wanted me to see that he was there listening to everyone in the Church, listening to me. The band wasn't singing just the same old songs, they were singing songs to their King, Our King. I wasn't telling my sufferings to God inside my heart, I was telling him my sufferings at his feet.
Hurt and weight had gotten lifted off of me. I had always told myself that right there.... He is Jesus. He is right there. He is here. I have had such a hard time believing it though. Doubt and Fear have always been struggles for me. What if I am just kneeling in front of a piece of bread? What if Im singing to a piece of bread?
It's not a piece of bread. Its a piece of Body. It' not just body, it's His body. My encounter, could really, not be turned in to words because God is indescribable and everything he does is. Through this year instead of setting resolutions, I am setting targets for my Faith walk and my first challenge will be to let God ruin me and then to build me in to something beautiful. I want to trust in His plan even if it leads me on my knees, crying out for help.
He is the designer, He is Our Lord. Our Dad, Our Savior. He is God. He is the plan.
Fearlessly,
Sammy
I'm not lucky, you don't know how much I've prayed
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